My Low Self-Esteem Monster and I Don’t Want to Hide Him —-Yoky’s Childhood Sucked but She Got 5 Steps to TRAIN the Monster

Some parts of my childhood sucked. The reason that I want to share some of the memories with you is to show you that 1. you are not alone. 2. it’s O.K. to have low self-esteem. 3. you can choose to live with/without low self-esteem while still being happy, confident, and successful. 

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I was a shy, quiet, and ugly kid. I studied in different primary schools and was bullied in pretty much every single one of them. Thank God that although the bullying hurt, it wasn’t too bad. I was a very kind kid because I was raised by a really kind couple: my grandparents. My kindness didn’t bring me friends nor expel my enemies, but I am so grateful that it does now. 

My family moved from Xi’an to Shanghai when I was 11. I transferred to my 5th primary school, a boarding school with all the rich, cool kids. I hated always being the new kid. I was young and lonely in a different city.  But thank God my mom and dad were always there to listen to me and support me. I miss my dad so much. He just turned 50 couple days ago.

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Then I transferred to a really competitive middle school where my self-esteem was very, very low because my grades were very low. I studied so damn hard for two years that I was able to attend one of the top 10 high schools in Shanghai.

I had such a tough time in that high school, which was full of the smartest kids in Shanghai. Some nights I stayed up until 3am to study advanced maths, chemistry, and physics. It was so hard and I was so sad. But I also had fun too! I was really good at some subjects. My personality became very out-going and I became really confident during high school. I began to receive love notes from boys and I made tons of friends. It was a blessing that I made some good friends for life in that high school. I love them!!!!!!!

I have so many more stories to share that I can write a book just about my childhood………but I will stop for now. I believe that you have lots of stories about your childhood too. I believe that some of the incidents influenced how you talk/ behave/ think as you grow up. It would be fun if you leave a comment to share some of your stories or thoughts too! Then we will become friends! Seriously!

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 I want to say that if you know me, you may think that I am pretty, outgoing, funny, and even popular, which is true  You may think that I have everything. But I am actually really sensitive and my self-esteem is really low. I am grateful that my mentor at JMU, Dr. Charette, has always been there to listen to my problems and give me encouragement.

By the way, I am a very happy and confident person most of the time. I promise you that I will write another blog post to tell you all the fun and happiness that I had at college. So, please don’t get misled by my previous sad childhood stories!

What to do:

 

I think it is about time for me to work on training my low self-esteem Monster. I decided to embrace him. He is a bad monster but he is coach-able. I want to share it with you to improve your life with me step by step.

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Step 1: Identify What Makes You Feel the Most Vulnerable. For me, I feel the most vulnerable about my language ability. Sometimes when I get nervous, I speak too fast/ don’t enunciate/ stammer.

Step 2: Try to Find The Cause. I think for me it is because I am afraid that the person to whom I am speaking is not interested in listening to me. I remember that when I was 11, I wasn’t able to communicate with a classmate until that person asked me to repeat what I said. I just felt that people shouldn’t be wasting time listening to me talk.

Step 3: Find A Positive Side to Your Vulnerability. There are many positive sides to my weakness. For example, it makes me a better writer. I also have more empathy towards other people because I am very sensitive myself.

Step 4: Find A Negative Side to Your Vulnerability. I think I need to work on improving my language ability because although most of the time I speak well, sometimes I don’t. I am a very confident person, and I don’t want to let people think I am not confident.

Step 5: Make A SMART Goal and Put It in Your Daily Reminder. 

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Specific: I want to do research on it. I found some tips  online. I heard of an organization called toastmastersclubs.org; I want to check it out. I want to record myself speaking. I want to block one hour a week to improve it. I want to start a podcast to share my improvements and methods with other people on my website.

Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, & Time Bound: I don’t want to speak unclear any more than 2 times a day by the end of this year, even in stressful situations. I might not be able to do the podcast quite yet. I want to start my weekly hour from today. If an hour is too much, I will decrease it to twice a month.

All in all, please believe that you are not alone. You deserve to be happy and I just simply can’t tell you enough about how beautiful you are. Let’s all acknowledge that nobody is perfect, and we can choose to improve.

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I hope you find this article useful. I would appreciate any feedback from you. Share this article to benefit your friends who also have low self-esteem!

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